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Star Trek meets Monty Python

If you like BOTH Star Trek and Monty Python then this little bit of humor is for you!

THE JEWISH DOG

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem." 
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem." 
"It's a Jewish dog.  His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty. 
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks. 

"Watch this!"  Morty points to the dog and commands:  "Irving , Fetch!" 
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? 

...You always order me around like I'm nothing. 
...And you only call me when you want something.   
...And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis... 
...You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.   
...It tastes like dreck!  YOU should eat it yourself! 
...And do you ever take me for a decent walk? 
...NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. 
...Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! 
...I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!" 

Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable!  So, what's the problem?" 

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem!  I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch'!"

A Dissertation (?) on the Physical Properties of Electricity

Today's "scientific" question is:
What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?

This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments.

Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond - almost.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937. Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.

For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Investment Tips for 2006

For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the coming new year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R.Grace Company will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta
Crackers join forces and become:

Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:

MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
UPS, and become:

FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become:

Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
become:

Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization
of Women will become:

KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge
under the new name:

Titty Titty Bang Bang

God Does Not Want 16 Kids / Arkansas mom gives birth to a whole freakin' baseball team. How deeply should you cringe?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Who are you to judge? Who are you to say that the more than slightly creepy 39-year-old woman from Arkansas who just gave birth to her 16th child yes that's right 16 kids and try not to cringe in phantom vaginal pain when you say it, who are you to say Michelle Duggar is not more than a little unhinged and sad and lost?

And furthermore, who are you to suggest that her equally troubling husband -- whose name is, of course, Jim Bob and he's hankerin' to be a Republican senator and try not to wince in sociopolitical pain when you say that -- isn't more than a little numb to the real world, and that bringing 16 hungry mewling attention-deprived kids (and she wants more! Yay!) into this exhausted world zips right by "touching" and races right past "disturbing" and lurches its way, heaving and gasping and sweating from the karmic armpits, straight into "Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with you people?"

Read the rest of the story here:

God Does Not Want 16 Kids

Great headlines/ signs

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]




Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]




Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]




Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]




War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]




If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[you think?!]



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]



Enfield (! London) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]



Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]




New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]




Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]



Most Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken?]



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead





* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



Did I read that sign right?



In an Office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW





In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT



In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS



In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS



Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR



Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.





On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

The Poodle and the Leopard

Cuddles was an aged poodle, who got lost in a game reserve. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, terror overcomes him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard in the future. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming back with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story:
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

FEMALE HUMOUR

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted tome; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

"The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. "Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.