Women's Humor

Women's Prayer
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Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.




Five tips for a woman...
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1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


_______________________


One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."



Laundry
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
And they say blondes are dumb...

_______________________


A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

_______________________


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?? "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________


He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.

______________________


He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.

_______________________


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

_______________________


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she
would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

__________________



A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
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* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton



A PRAYER....
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN