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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

The internet explained by Unreal Tournament characters

The internet experience vs. the real world.

As explained by Unreal Tournament characters in this movie:

The internet vs. the real world

Monday, August 23, 2004

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

[Thanks for the submission RC!]

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in
the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For
those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption,
imagine taking in a 10 year old child whom you know nothing
about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will
only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to
my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss
on me. Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I
should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him
of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for
several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost
of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue
AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended
family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most
of the time. I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my
famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven
hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole
darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the
decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am.
Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor.
Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint
#586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the
living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3 hours, Perry and I
decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.. An hour
later the rolls were ready to go in the oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the
pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I
called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality.
He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination
of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up
in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks
were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of
uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK,
however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the
rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would
like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.
Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was
black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him
onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be
all better by morning was very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog
out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was as drunk as a
sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling
flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his
front half was going one direction and the other half was either
dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee
at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our
back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running
into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as
a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet
(second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast
had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He
assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it
would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him
Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded
him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of
Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly
secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from
the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I,
we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs
burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of
risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were
pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in
a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of
it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked
rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We
endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't
live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the
door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving
meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all
morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my
drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest
endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as
the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out" and Jasper was
no exception. Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12
risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a
concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system
is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a
mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having
discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up
in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part.. The blast of
water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on
the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like
Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried
to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going
to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a
coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if
this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state
had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the
garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him
home and dropped him off before we left for our second
Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to
report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both
in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer
tricolor. None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy
to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast
rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of
them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad
idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to:

"How to clean unbaked dough from the Carpet."

And how was your day?


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